What does she want ?
When asked why they choose their man the way they did a woman would say
“ he has kind eyes”
“he makes me laugh “
That is to make them appear deep and not shallow like men.
But why ?
Men are like a puddle of tepid 3 day old rainwater. You don’t need much to surpass that.
There is no doubt that women are the deeper species and there is hope yet for unattractive people like me in this world.
But dont be fooled. It’s not that simple.
The cold reality is that to satisfy a woman, the man has to meet a whole gamut of stringent criteria – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
I would say it is difficult, nay impossible, to identify only one slot to fit into.
Men are such contradictions and most times, we are just a shackle of useless Colossal Fucktadery.
Without further ado, here are the main categories that most men may fit into.
The Cerebrals
They are generally bad at sex.
That’s because they analyse too much and are not spontaneous.
Women are a sucker for spontaneity.
Whipping out a diagram and taking exact measurements to find the G spot is not sexy.
“ Ah yes you see….. The labia is situated at a hypothesus angle at latitude longitude 10 degrees South Westerly following a transverse line from the inner ………..
So why, pray tell, are quite a lot of women attracted to these sorts ?
These are the main reasons:
1. It’s a self confidence thing. Many insecure women think that being married to a cerebral highly intelligent men raises their own intelligence quota, or at least how the world perceives them.
2. They mistake wit for intelligence. One doesn’t always correlate to the other.
Most cerebral men are as dull as overnight pickled radish.
3. The babies they produce have a better chance of not being a dimwit fucktard.
Granted, there is that.
But sometimes brain cells skip one generation.
4. They have better hygiene and shower religiously.
Don’t ask me why, they just do.
The Alpha Dickwad
Bad boys usually fall into this category.
The Alpha is so confident he is completely oblivious to his own faults. He genuinely believes he is Adonis even if he has the body of Michelin man and the looks of Danny De Vito.
You can’t shake him and he positively wields power.
Such men are usually highly intelligent and have such energy and charisma that dogs go into heat when they come within their general vicinity.
They walk into a room and take charge of any situation immediately.
“Okay now listen up.
My woman will have a double cheeseburger curly fries on the side. I will have the 6 inch pan pizza which you will order for me from the restaurant 6 shops away.
What ?? She ordered a salad and organic green tea?
That’s before I arrived and took charge you idiot – wait are you eyeballing me boy ???!!! Move on it!
And get me on the line with the surgeon general pronto! I may have found a cure for cancer and I want to run this by that idle slob!
You can tell I don’t like this group much (especially now with three beautiful daughters and all). Although every women I’ve ever dated puts me in this category.
Women go absolutely nuts for this category. Yes even if they look like the back of a donkey’s arse.
Or like Adam Driver.
No don’t marry this category of men thinking you can change them.
Women always think they are The One who will change this dickwad with their love, when so many before them have failed.
That’s because they have watched the movie Grease 17 times and see themselves as Olivia Newton John.
Remember the last scene (yes I’m talking to you Boomers) when bad boy John Travolta changed his whole persona for the woman he loves (ONJ), dropped his bad boy leather jacket and dressed himself as a cerebral nerd and whined to us in a squeaky voice:
I got chills they’re multiplying
And I’m losing control
‘Cause the power you’re supplying
It’s electrifying (it’s electrifying)
You better shape up, cause I need a man
And my heart is set on you (and my heart is set on you)
You better shape up
You better understand, to my heart it must be true
(Nothing left, nothing left for me to do)
The Alpha will take charge of every aspect of your life.
He expects you to completely subjugate yourself to him.
It will be his way or the highway.
“darling should we go for a moonlight walk this evening ?
“ why walk ? I can easily arrange a driver for us .
Ok if we’re walking we will take the Esplanade, go down that way for 300 metres, then we will turn left……….then we will ……………….
The Alpha will break your heart and make you miserable.
Stay away.
The BAF (Boring as F@*k)
His name is usually Eugene. Or Bartholomew. Or Barnacus.
He likes board games.
This is the best category for women who wants extreme stability, who craves for a lifetime of peace, zen meditation, serendipity, Keats, long walks at dusk.
Who likes to keep low energy goldfish.
The BAF will slowly kill you, emanating slow but steady doses of boredom.
You will dream of some alone time and go to a restaurant by yourself and at the end of the night when you get your bill, realise that he was there at your table all evening.
Sex will be a thing of the past. It will be a flotilla of unused penises
“Darling I was thinking tonight let’s be a little naughty. Instead of missionary, let’s try missionary plus. Where I’ll still be on top but resting on my elbows like in a plank position ……………………
Yea whatever pass the Brussel Sprouts please.”……..”
It’s no wonder so many women have affairs with Alpha men
“I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying ………………”
The Class Clown
These men are exhausting.
And usually quite insecure.
He became the class clown because he was not particularly smart, tried to excel at ping pong but ended up being the reserve water boy for the rugby team, and was all round quite ordinary.
He was encouraged when he elicited a few laughs doing the Mr Bean routine and have not looked back since.
Women will laugh at his wise cracks at parties, look at him wistfully and say things like “he makes me laugh” then snogs his friends and go back with them.
Being the class clown has become such a crutch that he doesn’t ever turn it off, and he is wisecracking even at your mother’s funeral.
During the eulogy.
Yes at the most inappropriate moments:
You : OMG………………….
Him : Like this ?……………
You : Omg don’t stop ………..
Him: Like this ?………….
You: yes ……….. yes …………..
Him : Honey …………….
You: yes ……….Omg don’t stop …….
Him: Two men walks into a bar… one was a Jewish priest and …..
You: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!…..
The Metrosexual
Really ladies ?
For the Love of God. Why ?
They will steal your cucumber peel.
And they will want to pop your blackhead pores the first time they meet you.
Finding my inner metro
It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I discovered that it was not normal to wash my face with kitchen soap.
WTF. Why do people have to be so complicated?
It made perfect sense to me.
You’re in the kitchen and your face is oily because you have just eaten. Duh??
And the kitchen soap is just sitting there. Hello ??!!
And I was sure in the army that most of us washed our faces with the bar of industrial soap that was issued for laundry?
Why not ? It cleans doesn’t it ?
No ? Just me ? Dammit!
My sister asked me one day how often I applied moisturiser on my face. I answered nonchalantly but honestly – when it cracks and starts getting painful.
She gasped.
Will you use some face wash and moisturisers if I passed you some ? She asked.
Why don’t you just bend me over a barrel and get the neighbourhood gangsters to sodomise me ? I retorted in unbridled fury.
Since 1984, I have been getting face wash and moisturisers for Christmas.
And it only became really useful in recent years when I repackaged them and gave it to my son for Christmas.
This is how you know you are dating a metrosexual fruit cake
1. They know that mauve is not a fruit. Or an insect.
2. They also know what is the colour taupe. Yes it is an actual word.
3. They will go for a manicure with you (god is watching and Jesus is doing a triplefacepalm).
4. They will dress stylishly at all times.
There is a name for it.
It’s called Wanker.
5. They don’t giggle when you ask them to pass you the Vaseline.
6. When they get into you car, you are not the only ones flipping the sunshades in the front seat and using the mirror.
7. They have three concurrent facial packages they are using.
And one for removing hair down there.
Let me tell you a true story.
My ex made me a promise many years ago on my birthday that I’m was in for a special treat I’ve never encountered before.
She acted all mysterious.
I was brought into room with a middle aged lady called a therapist. She got me into a reclining chair. She dimmed the lights.
I was close to tears. Wow – what an incredible wife. I get a hall pass once a year for a happy ending?
My therapist asked me to close my eyes and then proceeded to put all sorts of shit on my face including covering my eyes.
I must confess I was a little confused. Why stimulate the face ?
But I have read somewhere (yes it’s a well kept secret that I’m in fact a cerebral, well read and erudite and I smell good) that the face has thousands of nerve endings on the surface, and can be coaxed into a an orgasmic explosion of sensations.
Also, I thought – Role play was envisaged and the-rapist lady wanted me in disguise.
Then she left the room.
What manner of voodoo fuckwickery is this ?
Presumably to change into costume or perhaps to remove some garments?
Fetch the whips and handcuffs ?
20 minutes she returned and so did the lights.
And I did a rosary right there and then thanking God that in that split second when she was plastering my face, that I didn’t reach out and acted to accelerate the happy ending.
That, my fellow dumb twat fuck sticks, is called a facial.
Epilogue
So ladies now that you understand your men better, just tell yourself that it’s ok, you didn’t know what you were getting yourself into.
I know, I know, I should have written this scintillating article earlier.
I could have saved lives.
But there wasn’t covid earlier and I wasn’t bored.
Look on the bright side. You now know the categories and you can try to change him.
Or.
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying………………
THE WOLF AND BULLDOG CHRONICLES 