Before you get all excited and abandon your day jobs and tell the whole village you are giving up your lucrative clinic where you save lives, don’t be stupid.
We will have to dance for 45 years before we make any money.
So for now it is only a part time gig.
Thursdays to Sunday post lunch performances only.
Why cut off at Sunday post lunch ?
Uncles need to nap.
Sunday afternoons are sacrosanct.
Duh. Moron.
Our Gangster K Pop persona
So let’s get into character.
First things first, we will all have to change our names.
Yes Adrian is not K gangsta. Kim Chee might work.
The name must be silly and unpronounceable. Like Hyun Bin.
Chin Yong – hmm quite K-bu like. You may retain your name.
On second thoughts, just tweak it a little. Change it to Kim Yong.
We call you KY for short. Nickname Jelly.
BT you change yours to BTS.
Park – any takers? Norman ? Change to N Park ?
What’s that ? You want to keep your name Jesper ?
You guys are killing me here.
Firstly, Jesper is the name of a dog. Choose another.
What ? You choose Nimpei?
Ok better … better. But not quite there.
What about Kim Pei ?
We need to act more metro
All you manly sorts, we have to learn how to act less Neanderthal.
Everybody act coy. Smile dammit.
And into the heart sequence. Hands up !
Now we have to do the heart thing with our hands . Tilt your head a little to the side.
That’s it.
And yes Josh we have to do the heart pumping motion from the chest. I don’t care how sissy it makes you feel.
Our legion of fans demands it.
Pump everybody pump!
Now the finger heart – go!
Switch to flying kisses Attack!
Attack ! Attack!
The Poses
Now everywhere you go, people are going to try to snap a shot of you.
So you have to be vigilant.
Don’t hunch, back straight and pose, pose, pose!
Let’s try a few.
Okay pensive.
Vulnerable
Playful
Now finger to the mouth 3/2/1 everybody go !
What the ….??
It’s Covid season ! Stop touching your mouths!!
Yes you CY. With the Frower.
Sultry! Sensuous! Pout!
Our Diet
We have to eat lots of Kim Chi, period.
Kim Chi shake in the morning. Kim Chi sandwiches, Kim Chi salad, Kim Chi soup.
Kimarisu for dessert.
And eat lots of leafy vegetablez.
Shit like turnips. Pickles. Or radish.
Or turd like rice cakes.
You’re killing me here 😩😩.
Make up
The make up must look like you have naturally good complexion.
It just glistens healthily like lemon juice has been smeared every night on your delicate skin by the lemon gods.
And use your wife’s cucumber peel.
Hair cut
This is important.
I have given it much thought.
The essence of a korean hair cut is that it MUST NEVER EVER LOOK LIKE YOU TRIED TO GET A HAIRCUT.
Use a soup bowl and cut around it.
It must look like hay. Or maybe a mop.
Nonchalant. But stylishly nonchalant.
Speak the Lingo
When I walk into the room you must all chirp in to say ahn-nyong-ha-se-yo. in the most sing song voice you can muster.
It’s got to be second nature.
Those of you who are linguistically challenged just mutter rubbish but join in with the ha …. Se… Yo at the end.
Make sure your Yo is loud and clear.
Call all women you meet 여자친구 (“yeo-ja-chin-gu”) — Girlfriend.
Be polite. Keep saying
gahm-sah-hahm-ni-da. Thank you.
Our Bodies
Ok I give up.
If you don’t have a six pack by now, there is nothing I can do.
And we have to take off our shirt a lot when we dance. And I mean a lot.
Why ? Just in case our dance moves stink, at least they have something to oggle at.
Yes no chest hair San J. That is disgusting – it looks like mangled roadkill. Shave it all off.
Listen up people. Koreans have no chest hair. It’s all that preservatives from eating the Kim Chi. So shave shave shave!
No Bernard you can’t wear a singlet.
What ? You think you are the only one with moobs?
Just tape it before our performance.
And show your boxers above the waist band of your torn designer jeans.
Difficult ? That’s why, uncles, you shouldn’t wear your jeans all the way up to your chest (face palm).
This is more difficult than I thought.
THE WOLF AND BULLDOG CHRONICLES 