MACRITCHIE RESERVOIR NATURE TRAIL – A triple fail army event (or why can’t I be normal?)

I walked at least 11 km today.

Not intentionally mind you.

I’m good for 5-6 km. 11 ? Not so much.

I think God is trying to make exercise exciting for me – now that I’m getting my lazy arse moving.

I’ve never been to the MacRitchie Reservoir although the whole world has.

So I decided to go for a leisurely walk.

This is how the MacRitchie Reservoir nature trail is described in their website:

“A gateway to Singapore’s nature reserves, the MacRitchie Reservoir Park is a popular spot for nature lovers and exercise enthusiasts. With hiking trails, kayaks and canoes for rent, it is also a great place for recreational activities, both on land and in water.

A 12-hectare green haven bordering the country’s first reservoir and the Central Catchment Nature Reserve, the MacRitichie Reservoir Park is highly visited by nature lovers and sports enthusiasts. As a gateway to our pristine forest and waters, the park is a popular venue for schools and organisations to hold cross-country events, allowing participants to run through designated trails while embracing the wonders of our native biodiversity. The iconic MacRitchie bandstand continues to hold a special place in the hearts of many Singaporeans, and is often used to host performing arts presentations and solemnisation ceremonies.”

The walk started pleasantly enough.

From the visitors car park, you were met with a scenic idyllic view.

Canoeists were doing their thing on the water and everyone looked happy.

So you looped around the reservoir to get to the starting point of the trails. I reckon that loop was good for 400m.

Tree Top Walk 4.3m. That was where I was heading.

What a pleasant trail I thought. And indeed this observation remained true to the end.

The MacRitchie nature trail pretty much looked like that throughout – nice and gravelly and pretty much flat with few steps. Even the occasional slopes were very manageable.

Met a Bird.

Met 2 birds.

But they left me.

Babe I’m leaving I must be on my way
The time is drawing near

There were occasional bursts of sunlight. The woods were beautiful.

I was on Spotify my slow rock playlist. Dust in the wind was playing.

It was surreal and beautiful.

I took off my earphones for a moment to listen to the crickets singing. The beautiful cacophony of nature was pleasing but Carrie was beckoning.

More beautiful trails.

I went off the trail for a moment to encounter this pool.

I stared at the natural pool for a while and thought about the creatures that lurked beneath.

Maybe I should throw caution to the wind, strip down and take a swim with nature – YOLO and all that.

I quickly stripped down before I could change my mind.

Then the damn crocodile appeared out of nowhere and started tugging.

Quite annoying. I put my clothes back on and got back to the main trail.

It wasn’t long before I met my first monkey.

He was a high flier corporate sort.

Africa was playing.

Met my second monkey. This guy was eyeing a bunch of fruits.

I stopped to look at him.

I could sense drama or action coming.

He was thinking deep about his next move.

I stared at him.

He stared at me.

We stared at each other for an eternity.

Not sure which of us is the monkey.

“Look Asshole, I’m on leave. We can do this all day.”

“Roger that Dickface but I live here. I can stay in this pose for weeks. And I can lean forward and nibble on those berries. What are you going to eat? ”

Good point.

I moved off.

Guns and Roses were telling me about November Rain.

It wasn’t long before I met my third monkey.

This guy was a thug. He was just sitting down right in the middle of the track saying “None shall pass”.

And refusing to move.

We all had to inch our way around him. He looked like a groper.

First Fail Army

My music started crackling.

I was on Dire Straits Brothers in Arms and attributed the crackling to Mark Knopfler’s gravelly voice.

But soon the crackling became static and then there was silence. I continued walking confused and thoughtful. Has my Iphone run out of battery?

I patted my pocket to retrieve my iPhone but could only feel gonads.

Egad ! I’ve dropped the phone that’s why the music has died!

I felt like Einstein.

Wait ! Three monkeys in a row? And that last guy who refused to move and made us inch around him ? That’s a gypsy pickpocket syndicate!

I’ve been to Paris and had my bag pickpocketed.

I retraced my steps.

Thug monkey has disappeared.

That’s highly suspicious.

I walked the 100 metre stretch 3 times before I found my phone lying in the gravelly path.

Phew!

I activated Bon Jovi Living on a prayer.

Second Fail Army

I reached a sign that said 550 metres to Tree Top.

I trudged on.

Something made me think about my wallet. With dread flooding, I patted my back pocket and my fears were realised.

I could only feel rippling firm butt.

This time my wallet was gone.

The reason for this as I found out later when I returned home and took off my clothes was that my berms had holes in them.

The reason for that is that I bought these from China through Ali baba.

No wonder there is a trade war.

For every action there is a reaction.

White Snake was singing Here I go again.

I felt mocked.

This time round I traced back my steps for about a km and then walked a km back again looking anxiously on the ground for anything black – my wallet, thug monkey poo….. I found nothing.

Thug monkey was probably splitting my credit cards with his gang and wondering whether the prophylactic was edible.

I was almost back to the spot that signalled 550 metres to Tree Top.

Out of the corner of my beady eye, I saw a woman approaching me. She must have seen me eyeing the floor.

She approached and said “Did you lose your….?”

“My virginity but I would gladly lose it to you again if you have found my wallet .. is the witty reply I would have spouted normally. But I was dead tired and I noticed her husband was hovering nearby so I smiled and muttered ” my wallet , it’s black.”

I gave my eternal thanks and promised I would name my next child as Choo and trudged on ahead.

Third Fail Army

There was now a spring in my step.

Never mind that the 550 m to Tree Top was on a slope. I practically jaunted up with Black Sabbath whining about Changes.

So what if I’ve trudged just under 5 km to make it here, did another 1 plus km looking for my wallet and braved this incline of 550 m. Very soon I’ll………………..