The claim is that this is the best roast pork in Bangkok.

Mark Weins

In my old age, I’ve turned cynical and few things move me.  But when u say you are the best crispy roast pork in Bangkok, it turns me into a hissy 50 year old aunty Lim Mee San.  

“  I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want.   I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you


“I will look for you —— 

 I will find you ———

 And I will eat you“

“And if you are good —-

 I will eat you again”

So this shop is in the Sathon area – not too far actually. My standard mode of transport in Bangkok – find out where it is on the BTS line, take the BTS to that area, then alight and take a taxi or a motor bike ride. 

I took the BTS Silom line and got off at Surasak station.  I flashed the address at the motorbike guy who had a full on motorbike helmet only showing his eyes (lucky him) and he nodded.  I gave the universal how much sign (gentle shrugging of my developed shoulders and clever hand money sign) and he flashed 3 ie 30 baht.   I realised there was no helmet for me (unlucky me) and he was already moving off even before loading on his big handsome ox.  

I contemplated grabbing him tight around the waist or chest titanic style but decided that was too intimate as we have barely kissed, nor have I nuzzled him, so l leaned back and grabbed the metal structure of the seat and balanced myself using only my core muscles – all 3 flabby ones.  

And it was slightly terrifying.  All I could think about was whether to do a tuck and roll when I fly off,  or maybe brace brace and then blow on the light and whistle ? See – I’m getting delirious.  

It’s always a mix of emotions on these bikes- am I glad this bike didnt give the customer a disgusting (sometimes damp) motorcycle helmet or feel the wind in your hair but taste your own balls (liqorice? Hint of cinnamon ?) this early in the morning.  

The shop has a very narrow but long shopfront which was already of a normal size by Bangkok standards but to my surprise, it was enormous.  It was a Par 4 and suddenly dog legged to the left to open up into this even bigger space.  Quite impressive.

I took in the dizzying array of innards at the cooking station and felt my spirits uplifted.  I had just arrived at opening hour so I had the full attention of all 6 serving ladies.  I smiled widely and did this full round circle encircling all the ingredients but pointed to the center where the intestines were located meaning give me all the shit but more intestines por fa vor.  Purple lady just stared and looked unhappy like I was commenting on her boobs (to be fair the wide circling and pointing to the center could be suggestive).  She called supervisor over – a considerably more senior professor Stephen Hawkings with garish makeup.  But Hawkins was experienced. She got me – as I did the gesture again this time a little anxiously she barked “all” and “more “ when I pointed to intestines.   I wanted to French her there and then but didn’t want to distance and antagonise the other 6 (all brown haired and all also with garish make up) who were also preparing my food. 

I waited for a while and a bunch of fat cops walked in in full regalia.  What the? Are they going to frisk me? Is there an age limit to eat here? The passel waddled off and dog legged to the left which was the first time I spotted the dog leg.  Like a paparazzi, I got up and snapped a picture of them once they were sitting down.  One smiled but a few were not amused. 

This was promising.  If a bunch of fat cops eat here to start their day , it’s like the best donut in the universe.

The article talks about their Kuay Jab which is their mainstay. It also talks about their Siew Mai and Char Siew Pao so I also felt pressured to do a taste test. Finally it waxed lyrical about the roast pork being the best in Bangkok which was what I risked Life and Limb and tasted my own testicles (cloves ? Hint of rosemary ?) to come for.

Pao and siew mai were rubbish so I abandoned it after one bite.

I took a look at my bowl of the Kuay Jab soup with the innards lazing around and it pleased me. There was such tranquility, everyone was chilling and sipping a pina colado, high-fiving, seducing and teasing with allure. Some were wearing colourful sombrero hats and I could smell coconut tanning oil.  The Kuay Jab Noodle was in this penne-with-a-twist form and it just looks elegant.  

I spotted a few pieces of siew yoke in the soup and said to myself here goes – let’s see how the soggy soup laden siew yoke would taste before touching the supposedly crispy plate on the table.

My eyes widened in shock like I was a born again 50 year old virgin touched for the very first  time.  OMG it was still shattering despite being soup logged. And the Kuay Jab was just frigging delicious . It was redolent with the taste of a thousand gonads air dried on a motorbike but yet the soup was still fresh, peppery and perky. I was shoveling the kuay Jub happily into my blow hole like a pig rolling  in organic seaweed mud.

Then I picked up  the roast pork from the plate in front of me . This was the taste-test Harikiri Seppuku moment.  Walls moved in, colors shimmered and the sound stopped matrix style.  I think I squealed and may have touched myself inappropriately (this happens quite  often like a tic).  It was truly the crunchiest roast pork I have had in Bangkok so far. 

Ok – so the body of the pork was only slightly better than average but that crackling was truly mind boggling.  Roast pork is one dish I don’t cook all that well so I felt jealous and needy. 

A must try for the Bangkok makan itinerary.

Kuay Jab Mr. Joe (ร้านก๋วยจั๊บ มิสเตอร์โจ)

Address: 313/7 Soi Chan 42-44, Wat Phraya Krai, Bang Kho Laem, Bangkok 10120

Open hours: 8:30 am – 4 pm daily

Phone: 02-213-3007

Kuay Jab Mr. Joe (ร้านก๋วยจั๊บ มิสเตอร์โจ)

ที่อยู่ 313/7 ถ.จันทน์ ระหว่างซอย 42-44 วัดพระยาไกร บางคอแหลม กรุงเทพฯ 10120

โทร. 02-213-3007

เปิดบริการทุกวัน 8.30-16.00 น.

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